So Here I Am

So here I am. I am put in a very good place in my life, and that's known to all.

The most precious compliment to Allah. Alhamdulillah.

I am sure most of my acquaintances have already known that I am about to enter a new world of self-discovery. I am about to be alone and embrace the feeling of loneliness. I am going to see myself with a new perception. A side of me that I may not be able to see before.

I am about to fly.

When I said fly, I meant it literally. I'll be flying to Aussie in February, insyaAllah. :)

However, let's not talk about that first. I'm not in the place to talk about something so uncertain like the future. So, talking about the present will be a better option.

I'm on hols right now. More like, I'm into the driving around-Kumon-cooking chores right now. But I am happy with what I am doing right now. I'd put one thing in my mind before the hols even commenced which was to help Mommy and Abah whole-heartedly lillahitaala. And up till now, Allah had helped me a lot. :)

I've been working part time at Kumon. The job doesn't pay me generously, but I am not after the money. What I really want is to gain some experience, and alhamdulillah, that's what I got. Kids are so cute, and annoying too at times. :p

With everything that has fall perfectly in place, just like the way I want it to be, there is something missing. Something very important. I thought with all these things coming into my life, with all the happiness and sunshine, I would become a better slave to Allah, but that's not the case. I feel that my iman is depleting. I want to do something about it. I want to meet Him in something beautiful. Maybe a beautiful dress made of shiny, soft silk, and my hair would be tied up loosely in a messy bun full of flowers, I can only imagine. I want to meet Him. I am trying to strengthen my iman, control my temptations, but that's a challenge I've to overcome all my life.

And ironically, my perfect place is not so perfect at all, you see. Because it's a distraction from what I should do, (or at least try to do). This is actually my lowest point, my very lowest point because I feel so weak, because I am so contented and I feel that everything is enough for me, so I wonder why I should  ask for more. Which is really not the reality. I am a slave, and I should always ask for something. I should never feel that I have enough. It's like I'm going nowhere. It's like I have lost my dependency on Allah. Nauzubillah. I want to be dependent on Him. Always. In sickness and in health. In poor and rich.

People have been telling me to take a moment not to ask for anything, but to thank Allah for everything that he had given. But note this : even the feeling of wanting to thank Allah is something that needs to be asked. Because all of us is His, and none of His is ours.

I'm working on my level of dependency on Him. I just wish I am strong enough to be that dependent on Him. Knowing the fact is a piece of cake, practicing the fact on the other hand, is not so easy.

Sigh.

Ya Allah, please let me be one of your good slaves, ya Allah.