After One Whole Year and Going Strong

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

*breathe in breathe out*

Ya Allah, please bring good to everyone who reads this (and to the person who is typing this awfully personal letter too).

Okay, lets rewind to last year's Ramadhan when I knew that I wasn't going to Spain because of that horrible transcript of mine.

I called Madam Yati only to know that I wouldn't be going through that stage. That stage which I have longed for since I was 12 actually. I was 12 when I knew, I WANTED TO STUDY OVERSEAS. Listening to my parents' stories, I felt it was important to further my studies overseas, mainly because US was where they had learned to be distant from their family and became more independent. Abah learned a lot of things. Mummy brought back a Masters with her. So I knew at that time, studying overseas was what I really wanted. No options.

So I worked hard for it. Passed my PMR, SPM. It was tough but I nailed it. Then, when it came to A Levels, well, generally speaking, I flunked my A Levels.

I was devastated, I cried for days. My parents were not home at that time. They were in Mecca performing umrah. I felt so alone. I had to hide the truth from my grandparents and some relatives. I was not prepared to face the reaction. You see, I always A's -ed it. So, people had NEVER thought I couldn't make it.

And at the same time, my sisters and I, we were sick. We had food-poisoning. Things were not somewhere near-right at all. There were some other things that had occurred during that period. We, siblings cried together. It was definitely hard. So I thanked Allah for my cousins and some of my friends who stuck by me. :)

I went to MARA HQ twice. The second time I went there, I was welcomed with a pretty loud voice. I was sick, I felt like I was going to faint at that time, and yeahh, I was treated that way. It was tiresome. I was exhausted. I felt like giving up, then it all went back to square one.

Back to the pressure of attaining one hell of a good result.

I tried to become an optimist, but it was hard. Only Allah knows how much tears have I wasted. At nights, tears are like waterfalls. A series of drenching waterfalls.

So, the first term started. It was good. Project drove me mad, literally. But yeah, I had a good CGPA. Thank Allah for that. Thank Sophia for being there, literally. I could never ask for someone as angelic as her.

But the pressure was always there. I mean, you never want people to ask you,

" BILA NAK FLY?"

But that's only normal, and you'd reply with "InsyaAllah, in February so and so..". I can still handle that. What really touches my heart is :

" Kenapa tak fly hari tu? Something wrong?"

Ya Allah, trust me sweeties, I have been trying to find the answer myself. At first, I thought I was not putting much effort, then Din reassured me, I did try my best. Then, I thought that I was being over-confident, which I know I DID NOT! Till to this very day, I still don't know why. So, what can I say when people ask that question? Ya Allah, if they know the pain and sacrifices that had gone along with it, they'll never ask that. NEVER.

There was this one time when a relative asked that magical question, and I broke down at that very spot, literally. While telling him, " Kakak tak tahulah!", I was crying my heart out. I just couldn't take it any more. Because I don't know the answer. 

That Ramadhan had changed me so much ever since. I am now someone with a tad bit of insecurity issues. I am sensitive. Even a little thing can flick the switch. 

Like if Ili or Hazirah or Fiq didn't reply to my messages in Skype, I'd go like, they don't love me anymore. They want me no more. Yeah, I am THAT sensitive. Then a few days later, they'd Skyped me back, giving me love and the tender care that I've always longed for and I'd feel guilty for thinking that they love me no more. See, I am crazy. Sometimes, I feel like I have bipolar disorder (like Demi). I drove myself insane with these accusations. 

But yeah, of course it's hard to not feel left out. Like when they have a vacay together at the beaches, how could I not feel anything? I WANTED to be there with them, for them. I wanted to hike the mountains with Fiq, go shopping with Ili, cook with Eka, have a little adventure with Hazirah, and do lots of things with Hannah and Ilya. 

So, yeah, I told myself, I have to go to Aussie just to retain myself again. To retain my old self who is a little crazy with A LOT of self-confidence. 

But here's the case.

Aussie's like a shadow. My shadow. I have no means to control my own shadow. Sometimes it's visible, sometimes it's not. There are chances that it will happen, there are chances, it won't. So I did my own sweet thing. I studied hard.

Till I came to the point of giving up. A major point, actually. Because, I've surpassed the minor points long way back. It was hard. Harder than anyone could tell. Some people might be given intelligence from Allah (subhanAllah) but I have to work hard for it. There were times in the tests that everyone else was cheating to get better marks but Sophia and I stuck to our roots. So I ponder, where did I go wrong? Why did Allah give this to me? I tried to do everything the halal way. I prayed hard. So, why?

Then I came to this. Yasmin Mogahed's lecture on "Why Can't I Get What I Want?".

Ya Allah, how beautiful. I never realised how I came to Allah as a TOOL rather than a purpose of life. So what's my purpose of life? It's something with an end. I want that thing. I want to go to Aussie so badly to retain myself again when the sure thing is to seek everything from Allah as He has the key to EVERYTHING. Astaghfirullah. Why didn't I realise that before? 

So yeah, my 2nd term was a roller coaster ride, but I am going to give this fully to Allah to decide. Ya Allah, if this is what's best for me, please let it be. If this is not the best, take it away from me. :') 

p/s : I have a facial treatment appointment tomorrow! Erghh.

p/ss : I should be more optimistic.